When I was in middle school I constantly thought about my own mortality. One day I would cease to exist. One day I will not be here. Then a shudder would flow through my body thinking of my own annihilation. The thought of death filled my mind, in the car, at school, at night, as I laid on my bed. It followed and affected me into my sophomore year of high school. The rational part of my brain would think. Since I am destined to die why do anything at all. Why wake up in the morning, why do my homework, why even work, why talk to people, why even get up in the morning? My grades went down, I refused to socialize, going into a downward spiral with the thought of killing myself consuming me. If I am dying anyways, why not speed up the process.
The train was coming my way. I needed to jump in front of it to finish it. I could hear the sirens coming closer and smell the coal getting nearer. Then something caught my eye. It was a pigeon. It was struggling to move when a cat jumped on top of it. I thought it was dead when suddenly the bird was 15 feet away from the cat…then it went behind a fence. It was survival. Here I was trying to kill myself when other beings were fighting to live. I felt weak. I walked home.
During the walk I rationalized some more. A surge of hope and energy filled my body. Death was still inevitable but my attitude towards it changed. I am going to die one day I thought so why not live, why not get good grades, why not socialize, why not be successful, why not become the best person I could be, why not shape my life the way I want it. And if death comes early so what? At least I lived. At least I tried. I changed that day.
“Get busy living or get busy dying.”
When I was waiting for that train I was busy dying. Since that day I have gotten busy living.
Sometimes, just like I did in the past and like many other people have done. I would lay on my bed thinking about my death. How will it happen? When will it happen? You have thought about it too. We all have. Then I say to myself….I know I will perish one day, therefore, I am going to be the best version of me I can be….attitude is everything…..Get busy living or get busy dying.